JudyGrupenhoff.com

When the brain perceives a threat—real or imagined—it releases the neurochemical cortisol. Its job is simple: keep us safe.

Cortisol sharpens attention, heightens vigilance, and strengthens memory so we can respond faster next time. It does this by making us feel bad—urgency, dread, fear, worry—because those sensations prompt action.

That threat doesn’t have to be physical. The brain reacts the same way to emotional danger: the fear of embarrassment, rejection, or being judged or humiliated. When something feels risky, cortisol rises to push us toward escape.

Here’s where things get tricky.

Dopamine is often described as a “feel-good” chemical, but that’s not quite right. Dopamine is better understood as a learning signal. It’s released when the brain registers that something worked—that a need was met or a threat was reduced. It helps the nervous system remember what led to safety.

Here’s an example.

Last year, Shana attended an event where she was unexpectedly asked to speak in front of a large group. She’s terrified of public speaking. She did it, but her body flooded with anxiety and embarrassment, and the experience left a strong imprint.

Now the same event is coming up again. When a friend asks if she’s going, Shana doesn’t just think about it—her body responds. The memory is reactivated, cortisol rises, and her nervous system starts scanning for a way out.

She decides to make other plans. Almost immediately, she feels relief.

That relief comes from a drop in stress chemistry once the perceived threat is removed. At the same time, dopamine reinforces the decision—not because avoidance feels good, but because her brain has just learned, “That worked.”

She might even frame the choice as healthy self-care. And in the moment, it is. Her nervous system is responding exactly as it was designed to.

But here’s what’s happening beneath the surface.

Avoidance is one of the most powerful learning loops the brain has. Each time a stressful situation is sidestepped, the nervous system receives a clear message: avoiding danger leads to relief. Dopamine helps wire in that association, making avoidance more automatic the next time a similar situation arises.

This is called negative reinforcement—a behavior is reinforced because it removes discomfort.

Over time, the brain doesn’t distinguish between real danger and remembered discomfort. If Shana repeatedly “honors her feelings” by opting out of uncomfortable situations, her world slowly gets smaller—not because she’s weak or unmotivated, but because her nervous system has learned that retreat equals safety.

Avoidance isn’t chosen because it’s logical. It’s chosen because it reliably reduces distress in the short term.

So what’s the alternative?

The first step isn’t forcing yourself to push through. It’s calming the nervous system—lowering cortisol enough to widen perspective. Breathwork, movement, and other body-based practices help restore access to choice.

From there, a different question becomes possible:

Is there another way to meet this need?

Maybe it’s talking with the event host ahead of time.
 Maybe it’s asking for an agenda so you’re not caught off guard.

Both still protect against embarrassment—but without reinforcing avoidance.

Each time you meet a need through grounded, courageous action, the brain learns something new. Dopamine still reinforces the behavior—but now it’s reinforcing resilience, flexibility, and trust rather than retreat.

And over time, that becomes the habit instead.

Sometimes safety is stepping back. 
Sometimes it’s staying present long enough to see what else is possible.

Want to learn more? I am offering a 4-week course on how to harness the power of the brain and the wisdom of the heart for greater calm, clarity, and choice.